Do You “Coach” or “Critique” When a Child is in Distress?
C - Communication comes in many forms. Fits, tantrums and crying are how a child communicates they are working hard to help their brain handle a difficult moment. They are using the only skills they have at the time. They need encouragement that they can handle “what is,” even though it may be hard. Calming their nervous system allows them to turn off their stress response system and manage the extreme emotion. Calm in others can be contagious and will provide the energy they need to start that self-regulation process. Having the adult enter the interaction in a calm state while also being willing to coach the child through their distress is an opportunity for them to model how to manage extreme emotions.
O - Offering empathy in the moment of distress will help to turn off the stress response system in the brain. By “naming and taming” the feeling, the child can begin to regulate their emotion so they are better able to handle the problem. Empathy requires that you as the adult bring a calm energy to the situation and coach the child through the upset without judging them for how they are responding. This will give them a template for how to regulate their emotions for the rest of their life. Empathizing doesn’t say that they are handling it appropriately or that you agree with them. It says that you see how hard it is for them in this moment and accept that they are working through an emotion and are working hard to handle it safely. Empathizing creates a felt sense of safety in the moment and allows the child to feel heard.
A - Acknowledge the child’s desire for what triggered the emotion in the first place as best as you can. By describing it, you make them aware you understand what they wanted. “You wanted (something) to happen.” or “You were hoping to.…”. These acknowledgements validate the child’s right to feel the way they do without judging it to be good or bad. Your response creates an opportunity to coach the child through the safe way to handle upset and teaches them a healthy way to cope with it next time. Seeing it from a child’s perspective helps the adult to respond genuinely in a meaningful way. This increases the child’s willingness to learn a new skill.
C - Choice is a great motivator for the brain and provides an opportunity for the brain to know what to do instead of what not to do. This provides a plan for the child and empowers them to choose what will work best for them in that moment. The use of two positive choices requires that the adult is calm and offers two options that they can live with. For example, for younger children, “You may hold my right hand or my left hand (using gestures), what works best for you?” or “You may walk or hop to the car, what works best for you?” For an older child, “It seems that you have a couple of options…” When they make a choice remember to say, “You did it, you chose ______.” That creates awareness that they made a choice and reflects what the choice was. Providing a choice such as, “You may hold my hand or go to time out” is not a choice, but is a manipulation intended to control the child’s behavior by giving a negative option. This type of choice will not create a teachable moment.
H - Healing upset by turning off the stress response in the brain is an important life skill. It can provide your child with an early pattern for creating healthy coping strategies for managing emotions safely. The other option is to use already established unhealthy strategies. These show up through either physical or emotional reactions when life does not go their way. Managing emotions is a skill that requires teaching and time to practice just like the academic skills we focus so much on every day. Being willing to coach through conflict instead of critique creates a safe learning environment that will foster healthy coping strategies. These strategies literally wire the brain for impulse control and a willingness to cooperate.
Written by Jenny Barkac, inspired by Dr. Becky Bailey
For more information go to www.consciousdiscipline.com